my heart is pouding fast

Thing has not been great for me since last month. Firstly I lost the car key, then the housekey and my handphone. God, I pray to you to give me the strength to go through all this...

Since grandma passed away,everything seems dull to me.The only thing that make me laugh and smile are my colleagues, BFF alla, khang,fifi, dearest boyfie and the family. The rest is just dull. I don't really speak much now but because of my work nature, I forced myself to. I hold this guilt inside me for blaming myself of not having to visit my grandma and I never knew last year's Chinese New Year will be my last visit. If I knew things would work out this way, I would have gone back instead of pressuring myself for the money.

there are some thing money can't buy

It was a very sad day for the family last week as grandma passed away at her home in Seberang Takir, Kuala Trengganu. The worst thing ever happened to me in my entire life. I can't show how much guilt and regret I have. I was supposed to go back for Chinese New Year celebration as I do it every year but for this year instead of going back to visit grandma, I choosed to work just for the sake of the triple pay as it was public holiday...Therefore I went to work as usual and my shift was from 9.30am to 2.30pm.So happily thinking about the money, I ignored the time of celebrating the joyous day with the family...

So 3 weeks after that, on Sunday morning(7th march), I received a call from daddy saying that grandma has passed away..I was holy shocked and I cried instantly reminiscing the regret of not going back to visit her..I asked daddy again whether it's a prank or real...And he said, it is real and that they're going back to Trengganu the next day (morning). They came down that night and we went back early the next morning...Heart was pouding as I still hope that they're wrong...When we reach, I took a peek at grandma's coffin and tears came swimming down my tears..I couldn't hold my tears back and with full of regret in me...We sat for a while and about 5pm we checked into the hotel..Had shower and a change of new clothes...Waiting for the Buddha priest to come...part of the tradition...When the part where we have to go round grandma's coffin, I saw daddy was crying and it made me cry too...I grew up with her and I would call her once in a while just to check on her...

The 3rd was the day where she'll be bury..So we followed the car that carries her coffin to the cemetery ground... the worst part was when seeing they closed her coffin and bury her...We were hoping that she'll bang at the coffin case to tell us that she's still alive...But no sound....I hugged daddy and cried for the last time...

I've learnt the biggest lesson ever, money is really not everything...I'll carry this regret forever...

God, please give me the strength...

Been back home since Wednesday night and will be heading back to Penang tomorrow afternoon. Feels hesitated to go back actually. I'm still on holiday mood. Having to work in a new environment and requires your talking and convincing skills take up a lot of energy and by end of the day, I'm extremely exhausted. Even though I'm on leave, my mind still think about on my work... Well, I'm torn between staying or walk out...I know it's just 3 months but the pressure and workload is like tonnes...Maybe because I'm not used to it yet or maybe it is just not my thing...

Having not able to go back for Chinese New Year make me think whether it's worth to continue my current job or just leave it...Eventually, I still need a job in order to survive...I'm still finding work that I can operate from home and having the flexibility of my own...I realized that my new job takes up most of my 24 hours time...I don't even have a second to breath...By the time I leave work, I'm so tired and sometimes don't even feel like having dinner...No appetite... I dragged myself up each day to go to work...I'm not sure the reason why, maybe because I don't like the job or just because I'm tired....Anyway, I'm still searching...

Sometimes, when things get tough, it feels like the whole world came tumbling down on me and that no one can help me...Its like I'm in a lonely dark world....Struggling to survive...I miss college years actually, care free mind...Need not to worry anything apart from exam...But since I started work, commitment came down on me...It feels heavy..So I'm not sure whether I can carry the responsibilities of a wife in the future.....

Not every feeling can be describe by words....I don't have the heart to talk out with the family as I don't want them to worry as well as think that I'm unreliable...I miss my good old high school days and turning back is impossible and I know that everyone will grow eventually...That is the cycle of life...

Each day in Penang passes by so slow and I feel like I can count by fingers...I miss my family every time I'm down with hard times...I pray every night that God give me the strength to go through every obstacles that come in between me, that God blessed me with good people and companion and that God will protect everyone that I care and love...

after CNY and having family time.

These are a few sneak peeks of what's happening during the previous Chineses New Year(I was working on that day)...All of the family members were there except for ME!!! Sad isn't it??? I kind of miss the family reunion actually. Daddy said this year was quite different except for the fact that grandma's health is worsen...

I'm at my home in Perlis currently. Felt so good to be here...Its been a while since I last came back..Nothing change..I love the smell of ikan goreng cooked by the neighbour, the sambal belacan smell...Neighbours talking to each other at the gate..We hardly see that in big city... Everyone knows each other basically over here...Going out with my best frined, Yana later in teh evening. It is 4 months since I last met her....She's on a holiday for Chinese New Year...

By the way, my ex-Form 6 friends did some small reunion..BFF, Alla was there as well..She tagged me and I can't attend as I'm working...Bloody work...Talking about work...Will be back to work on Monday...I hate that part....I don't feel like going back to Penang, I mean not now... Time flies too fast...I'm back here on Wednesday night, and today is Friday........I hope I can stop the time from going forward....

pre Valentine and chinese new year

Valentine is around the corner and I have yet to buy gift for the Boyfriend. And I'm working on the day,and CNY falls on the same day as well..Daddy and mummy is coming tomorrow or Saturday morning and they'll be heading back to Trengganu for Chineses New Year and sadly I can't join them this year, FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!. I hate the feeling of not being able to be with family members especially festive season...NO angpow for this year as well...And can't visit grandma....

work from home

It is Wednesday and every mall are jam packed with shoppers shopping for Chinese New Year. With the sales that are going on, makes it even worst....It make me sad at the same time as I'm not able to celebrate this year due to work commitment...Sometimes to think of it, will people appreciate what we do? Or they'll pass you by like you're not important at all...Sadly, I always say yes to what ever people's request........

Don't have the mood to go to work today actually but I dragged myself up though, with my eyes shut while walking.It is exhausting and tiring to work in the wee hours(mind you, I work at 5am). While some people are still dreaming, I have to wake up at 3.30am,brush my teeth, cold bath and have breakfast and best of all is my breaktime is at 8am!!!!That is the time where people starts to eat breakfast and I'm already on my break...I wonder when can I drive a BMW and goes to work whenever time I want...So good isn't it....Dream la...

Well, was thinking of getting a job that I can do from home (work from la konon). Had this so called 'project', can't even stick my butt at the table for 5 minutes, how the hell I want to work from home. It looks easy when you see someone else doing it but discipline is important...

CNY shopping

Went for Chinese shopping with BFFs. The Boyfriend could not tag along as he has class to attend.Too bad.But we hade great time together..It was a quick shopping trip as Khang already knew what he wanted and I'm the one who tagged him along to the fitting room..I hope he like the shirt I choose...I'll definitely buy one for the Boyfriend if I have the extra cash in hand...So sad...Upon reaching QB, we had lunch in Sushi King as Khang was craving for it...FYI, there's no Sushi King in Alor Star..But they have McDonalds,unlike Perlis...OMG!!!....

After lunch, waited for Riana and Yazid, as usual they're late for 30 minutes...We accompanied them for lunch in food court as they do not know where to eat and Yazid only survive on chicken chop, nasi kandar and nasi melayu:-p........Then we had to shop as fast as lightning as Khang need to take a bus to go back to Alor Star..He came for only 1 night...It was nice though even though its only 2 weeks he moved back there,it feels months.......And I hope he liked the shirt we choose for him:-)...

After tired of walking, we stop at J.Co Coffee and Donut...Fifi bought 3 pieces of doughnut and Khang bough ice coffee...As usual, I 'belasah' Khang's drink and Fifi's doughnut...Sorry dearist.... We waited Yazid and Riana...Called them and they were at optical shop to buy contact lenses for Riana (this is her first time)....Then, they met us up in J.Co..We proceeded to the parking...I sent Fifi back on the way home and dropped Khang as the ferry jetty..There goes the goodbye again...

Later evening, went out with the Boyfriend...Watched Avatar but not in 3D...Could not get my hands on the tickets.....Headed home early as supposedly wake up early to clean the house and visit the Boyfriend's mum...End up waking up at 11.30am....Cleaned the house and went to the Boyfriend's house to have lunch...It was a good lunch and fullfilling......Burpppp!!!!!...Headed straight to QB again...Walk around and both 2 bottle of juice (on promo) and headed home...

extra income=extra headache

Well said on the post..Was thinking of finding ways to earn extra income instead of depending on just one job that I'm currently doing...How good it is if I could just blog all day but still earning some income...There's this website referred by a friend of mine which generates money for you.. All you need to do is just refer your friend to the website and make sure the sign up and voala, that's where the money starts...But I don't think that easy as many people might think this is a scam...Well, I was sceptical at frist but I still signed up:-p........

Its Friday and I'm looking forward to weekeend as it has been a hectic week for me...Tiring and exhausted...Has not been able to go back on time even though my shift is over...Is torn apart whether to change my job or just give it a go...But I've been changing too many jobs now...Until then, when can I drive my own BMW...*sigh*....

The Boyfriend has started working now, so most of the things I would have to do on my own... Sad......

untitle

*Weekends was pretty laid back. Went to Sticks( in front of QB) to meet up with Adrian and Nicole.We went back quite early as I have to work the following day(Sunday)..Before that we watched Legion.Was a pretty good movie...Slow at the starting...Not much of actions...

*Watched Tooth Fairy yesterday. Movie was pretty funny. Worked from 9.30 am till 2.30 pm and did not plan to stay back even 5 minutes..Damn tired..Reach homer after work and slept off till 6.30pm.Went out again for dinner in McDonald.Me and the Boyfriend had Regular Ayam Goreng McD.Felt so tired the whole day.

*Today is the Boyfriend first day at work.At last.....Good luck my BB.......

rude people are just annoying and full of crap and i have to work during CNY

Well, it is Sunday afternoon and I'm in the office while some people are still day dreaming on the bed..Waking up at 2pm and watching TV...And I'm stuck in the office for another say 3 hours approximately...Working in a call center is certainly a challenging job...Not many can tolerate different kind of customer...When an annoying cutsomer calls in, in order to release anger is by muting the damn phone and start scolding vulgar words and then unmute the phone and start talking back as usual but faking it...Some even ask stupid question some even ask question after purchasing and blaming everything on the sales rep...What the hack???I'm not looking myself in this line in the next couple of years...I'll age faster and get heart failure faster due to stress... I used to think that the westerners are friendly, professional, classy and etc..The fact is they're cheapo, rude, annoying..Just a few...Not all....Obviously...Well, I can't complain much as at least I have a job...But sometimes, I don't feel like waking up in the morning and get ready to go to work...Its not fun at all....Well, it was my choice to work here, first of all..So what the f*** I want to complain after all.....

Another thing that annoys me is when working in a company where it is dominated by one race...When it comes to festive seasons, MY GOD...Everyone will be taking off holiday..Sadly, I can't celebrate Chinese New Year I have to work on that day...To think, I was better off in the previous company...This job I'm doing currently is totally for money minded human...And I'm not that kind...

To make it short, customers are just plain stupid...

God test our patience

Well, with the recent Dragon tradegy on going incident, it made me realise how powerful God can be. It also made me realise how short life can be...I know that I did not live to the fullest previously but that does not mean it will happen again. I have many plans up ahead and its a matter of time to execute them...Condolense to all the victim's family...May they rest in peace..

With the 'polluted' country we're living in, I'm not sure whether my spouse and future children will have the opportunity to live in peace like how it was 20 years ago...It was so different compare to now..Everything seems to be separating from each other..And plus the ongoing case of using 'Allah' terms for other races, this has caught the attention of international media...It is a shame...For a country that si so called democratic..

Well, to my BFF Khang Wei : DOn't forget us once you're in Jitra. Visit us often and not to forget our movie sessions ok...We'll miss you...

life can be hard sometimes

Talked to BFF yesterday night for about 40 minutes.She told me a whole lot of stories.Well, shame to that 'girl' that her so called boyfriend cheated on her...There must be a reason why someone did that to her...Well, too bad for her I guess....Anyway, congratulation to 'you' on your engagement...Have a happily ever after wedding...If you can still survive your sickness...She is so lame and a big bloody 'loser'...At least your boyfriend cheated on 'you' before.....So childish...But I'm glad that we've confronted each other last year..It was nice to see you pushing away the chairs, with tears in your eyes..It was like a big 'party' for us...Hahahaha...In your face!!!!!!!!!Well, that was the past..

Anyway, work is stressful for me for the past few days.Things are not doing great...I miss the family though...My BFF is leaving for Sabah next week..Well, I miss you, Adelyn.We haven't been communicating with each other lately....

when my mind doesn't go in a straight line

Things have been pretty much hectic and tiring for me and I don't like it. I hate the feeling of getting up early morning and be prepare to go to work.Honestly, I don't know what I want but one thing for sure is I want to have big car,big house and family of my own. But to get to that level, requires a lot of sacrifice and extremely hard work.That is the part where I'm still struggling. I've working for the past 1 year and this is the 3rd job I'm doing....I'm still far from my dream....

Met with my ex-schoolmate back in high school.We had lunch at McDonald Greenlane.To my surprise, he's already married (even though no traditional ceremony yet).Bu then, they are officially legally hisband and wife.Wow, how time flew so fast.He was the chicky one in high school. Nevertheless, to think that he'll be married at this age(not that young though)...He bought a house and I asked the Boyfriend to show me where the area is.The compound was clean, with guarded front gate....Apartment style. At least he owns a house..I'm so envy him. After that it makes me want to earn more money for a better life.

I knew that I have never done much about my life last year so for this year, I want to work hard towards my personal goal :

1. Take good care of Dianah in terms of her education. To provide her with what daddy and mummy have given to me last time.

2. Take care of mummy and daddy so that daddy don't have to work anymore.

3. To save more money so that I could get married.

4. Save money for my old days.

5. Be a good partner, sister, friend and daughter.

Well, these resolution seems easy to achieve but actual fact is, it need a strong will and determination of wanting to achieve them.Well, easy said that doing it. I'll try my best as well.

morning after

Well, started my morning with a cold bath. Was too lazy to wake up due to the weather. It was cloudy for the past few days. It rained for a while this morning.

Drove to work with my lazy eyes, listening to FLY fm morning crew,thinking how good if I could work from home. That is because this morning's topic was about working from home.Interesting topic and what a motivational topic to kick off the morning..Its only Tuesday but I feel like I'm working for the whole week already.Tired and exhausted.

Second day of school for Dianah and she's in Secondary 4 now. How time goes by so fast. I hope she'll do well in SPM.

Been wanting to watch Avatar for the past few weeks but it seems like everyone is still into that movie. Tried to book Avatar 3D but can't...Was supposed to watch Avatar 3D with the Group last weekend but too bad I was down with fever.Did not have the appetite to eat for the last one week. It was miserable.At this time, I wish mummy was here.She'll cook for me, feed me my medicine and would look after me.I miss her so much.

I have got no time for the family since I started working and I'm kind of feel guilty.And miss the family a lot.Its been a while since we all last had our vacation together. With stress from work and all,it would be unlikely that I could make it for Chinese New Year as well.Fingers crossed hoping that I could spend the day with the family.

Everything seems moddy for me....

second day of 2010

Its been a great 2009 for me and the Boyfriend. We spend our new year eve in cinema watching Sherlom Homes...Funny movie I can say...Me and the Boyfriend do not want to have our body sticking to each other in a pool of human...Its disgusting with all the sweats you can smell...EEWW...

Anyway, I hope 2010 will be a better year for me, the family and the Boyfriend...To think back those old times,my previous relationship,it was horrible...

To him,
I'm glad that I dumped you and met someone much better that you,moroon....I never want to se you again or even have thoughts of you your lame ass individualistic...If I had the power to turn back time, I'll definitely stab you in the heart....

May God bless me and the family...May the Boyfriend and me will have the chance to take our relationship into another level, and may my friendship last forever...

Its been a long time

Well, its been more than a month since I last blog about my 'so call' life. Many things has happened but I can't be blogging every single thing. Well, lets start from Christmas... Went to the Boyfriend's house for Christmas as his mother organized a Christmas lunch and dinner. Everything went smoothly...I guess his parents has accpeted me eventually...Now its a matter of how to convince mummy on this..I can feel that he's the one for me...I don't think I can find someone better than this....Drop that anyway.....

Daddy's coming back today and will be fetching hima nd adik later around 7...Ohh ya, Dianah got 8As in her PMR...I'm so proud of you...Well, at least we have a scorer in the house...

Work wise..I'm no longer struggling except when there's too many calls to handle....GOD....Its been a pretty god December for me I guess....Luck is just on my side....2010 is just fingers counting away and I pretty much know what will be my resolution this year and the important note of all is to not over spending anymore....2009 has been a rough year for me and I managed to pull it through by the hard way too...

My cousin passed her exam as well...Congrats...

Well for now, I'll just the night with daddy and adik...

i'm trying to comfort myself

Well, this is my second week on call and I'm glad I managed to achieve a lot of things...yet, I'm still struggling a little bit, not much though....Colleague and bosses has been very helpful and I'm glad as I'm still in the learning process....
I miss the family a lot...Been 2 months since I last went back to Perlis which is for Hari Raya... I'm trying to make as much money as possible....Got some goals I want to achieve, possibly by this year....
Going for dinner with BFF, Khang..the Boyfriend is having his class...

its december

Wow, imagine how fast December comes by...It is almost a month since my first day in the new company...Colleague are super fun, coorperative and helpful...Pressure starts to build up...I'm still trying to get a grip of myself...Sent mummy,daddy and adik to the bus station yesterday as they're leaving for Singapore.I'm happy and glad that I could meet them up even for a short time....Honestly, I miss them badly...and I miss home too.....Too bad I could not tag along...If not it would be fun especially with Christmas around the corner...First time actually...I miss Singapore and miss my cousin,Phat...She's married though.....
Nothing much to update..I've missed my blogging session as my time is totally occupied..Not like in the previous company...

I do miss a few friends back in the old company...

salam aidiladha

Salam Aidiladha to all my blog readers and not to forget my family back in Perlis...And to ex-student SMKPutra, SMKPerlis and ex-student UNITAR batch 2004-2008...

still hanging

Tomorrow will be the ultimate day for me as I'll be on call for the first time and of course I'm nervous...I hope everything goes smoothly...But the sad part is, I have to work and won't be able to celebrate Hari Raya Aidiladha with the family.....

The family will be going off to Singapore next week and I'm stuck here....